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Un Gran Jefe Indio observa la pradera bajo un cielo azul un hermoso dia de primavera junto a su pequeño hijo....

De pronto el pequeño rompe el silencio y le pregunta al padre:-Padre...¿porque los indios tener siempre nombres tan extraños?

El padre responde:-Nosotros fijar siempre en acontecimiento importante que pasar en el momento de la concepcion...hijo mio....asi hay nombres como "Grito de Aguila"..."Rayo de Luna"..."Caballo Veloz"...¿comprender,"Goma Rota"?

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Los mismos 4 jovenes del chiste de "jomar" coincidieron(increiblemente) en otra entrevista de trabajo un tiempo mas tarde y para otra multinacional.

En este caso la pregunta clave era:¿Que os gustaria que se dijera en el velatorio el dia de vuestro entierro?

El de Harvard respondio:

"Fue un gran hombre,un buen padre y buen marido"

El de La Sorbona:

"Fue una gran persona,justo y noble excelente marido y amigo de sus amigos."

El de New York:

"Fue un hombre admirable,querido por todos y aporto mucho a la comunidad"

El de Sevilla:

"¡¡Coño...que este tio se esta moviendo!!!

Logicamente volvio a conseguir el puesto :blink:

Editado por Uruk3D
Publicado

Un chavalí­n y su mama estan viendo un maratón. Los dos observan pasar a los corredoresy el niño se ve olbligado a preguntar:

-"Mamá, ¿por qué corren todos esos hombres?

-(La madre) "porque al primero le dan un gran premio.

-Entonces?...¿por qué corren todos los demás? , dice el niño curioso.

Publicado

Van Pilar y Jose Ramon caminando por la calle, cuando de repente pasa un pajarito y le deja caer una pequeña cagada en la cabeza a Pilar...

- Oye mi amor ¿Me puedes decir que tengo en la cabeza?

- Pues mierda

- No, hombre. Afuera de la cabeza!!!

Publicado

Dos gallegos se encuentran en la calle. De pronto, uno le dice al otro:

- ¿Que llevas en esa bolsa?

- Pollos

- Si adivino cuantos llevas, ¿Me puedo quedar con uno?

- Coño, hombre. Si adivinas te puedes quedar con los dos...

Publicado

Un marciano aterriza en la selva y utilizando su tecnologia se comunica con los animales...

- Animalito ¿Cómo te llamas?

- Yo me llamo cebra tigre, porque mi papá fue una cebra y mi mamá un tigre.

Se acerca a otro animal y le pregunta:

- Animalito, ¿Cómo te llamas?

- Yo me llamo ardilla voladora, porque mi papá fue un ave y mi mamá una ardilla.

Y así­ va el marcianito, preguntándole a muchos animales, hasta que se topa con uno extraño y le pregunta:

- Animalito, ¿Cómo te llamas?

- Yo me llamo oso hormiguero.

- ¡Uyyy sí­, no me digas!

Publicado

Un ateo convencido va dando un paseo por el bosque muy metido en sus pensamientos cuando de repente escucha un ruido muy fuerte detrás de él y observa a un gran oso que lo mira fijamente.

Sale corriendo y el oso lo persigue. Unos minutos después, ya sin aliento, el oso atrapa al ateo por detrás y lo derriba, poniéndose sobre el y agarrándole con sus zarpas.

El ateo, muerto de miedo y viendo que iba a morir, grita: ¡¡¡Dios mí­o!!!

En ese momento el oso queda completamente inmovil, se hace un silencio sepulcral en el bosque y se escucha una voz

- SOY DIOS. TÚ QUE SIEMPRE ME HAS NEGADO, QUE HAS OFENDIDO A LOS CREYENTES CON TUS PALABRAS ¿AHORA ME LLAMAS?

El ateo, muy compungido le dice: - Tienes razón, no serí­a ético por mi parte pedirte ahora que me salves de una muerte tan terrible a manos del oso, pero Me podí­as hacer un favor, ¿Por qué no conviertes al oso en cristiano en vez de a mí­?

Inmediatamente vuelve el sonido al bosque y el oso comienza a moverse, se separa un poco del ateo y, juntando las dos zarpas, dice muy serio:

- ¡¡¡Señor bendice este alimento que me voy a comer!!!

Publicado

muy bueno jomar ,ya no me quedan corto ahi va uno un poco largo....... Borja estaba excitado con su nuevo rifle, último modelo, así­ que se fue a cazar osos.Él avistó un pequeño oso de color marrón y le disparo. Fué entonces que sintió un golpecito sobre su hombro y se dio vuelta para ver un gran oso negro.

El oso negro le dijo fieramente :

- Tienes dos opciones: O te golpeo hasta la muerte o nosotros tenemos sexo. (parece ser que los osos de ahora vienen cada vez más degenerados).Borja decidió agacharse... y aunque se sintió dolido por 2 semanas, rápidamente se recupero y juró venganza.

Inicio otro viaje, encontró al oso negro y le disparo. Entonces sintió otro golpecito en el hombro. Esta vez era un enorme oso grisáceo a su derecha que le dijo:

- Es un enorme misterio Borja. Tienes dos opciones. O te golpeo hasta la muerte o nosotros tenemos sexo".Otra vez, Borja penso que era mejor cumplir.

Aunque sobrevivió, pasaron muchos meses hasta que se recuperó.

Ultrajado, se dirigió de nuevo al bosque, logrando encontrar la pista del oso grisáceo, lo ubicó y le disparó.

Él sintió una dulce venganza, entonces sintió un golpecito en el hombro, giró y vio un gigantesco oso polar mirándolo fijo, que le dijo: "Admí­telo Borja, tu no vienes aquí­ a cazar, ¿no?" este tambien es el hermano del mismo oso que el tuyo jomar jajajaja

Publicado

muy bueno jajaja, espero no encontrarme a ningún pescado con las mismas intenciones que tu oso

Publicado

Una mañana en la selva, El Leon se desperto con ganas de recitar poesia. Como a nadie le gusta un leon enojado, todos los animales se ponen alrededor de él para escucharlo recitar...

- Oveja, Oveja - Dice El Leon - Ven y besame en la oreja...

Y como la oveja no queria tener problemas va y le da un beso en la oreja.

- Serpiente, Serpiente - Continua El Leon - Ven y besame en la frente...

Como la serpiente tampoco queria tener problemas va y le besa la frente.

- Piojo, Piojo - Insistia El Leon - Ven y besame en un ojo...

El piojo se levanta de inmediato y cumple la peticion del Leon.

- Sapito, sapito - Entonces ruge El Leon - NO TE HAGAS PENDEJO... ¿A DONDE CREES QUE VAS CABRON?...

_________________

Publicado

Un vasco le dice a otro...Aitor...como es de grande el Universo????

-Infinito...

-Solo!?!?!?!

Publicado

este es bueno tambien ,pero un poco viejo ,ahi va.....Esto un tio que entra a la farmacia con claras intenciones y dice:

- Oiga me da una caja de 6 condones... es que esta noche me voy a cenar a su casa y despues... o si no mejor me da una de 8 por que su hermana esta to buena y seguro que también cae... o sino de 10 porque como tiene otra hermana... espere. mejor pongame una de 12 y asi si se pone a tiro tambien su madre que aunque mayor esta todavia buenorra.

- De 12 no hay

- ¿De cuantos hay?

- De 16 unidades.

- Pues vale y asi puedo tambien pillar por banda a la sirvienta.

El chico va a casa de su novia a cenar al entrar pone una cara de pánico increible y se sienta a la mesa corriendo, engulle la sopa en 1 minuto con la cabeza agachada y se dirige a la puerta sin decir ni pio.

- Al dia siguiente el chico ve a su novia y esta le pregunta:

- ¿Por que estabas tan raro anoche?

- No me hables mas puta... mira que no decirme ¡que tu padre es

farmaceutico! ...........................

Publicado

-Opaaaaa....que esta mas cerca???'la Luna??? o Andorra??.....

-Amo a ve niño!!!...tu ve la Luna???

-....si....

-...Y Andorra?!?!?!tu ve Andorra!?!?!?!?!

Publicado

Un tartamudo visita al medico para ver si puede curar su enfermedad:

- Hoo-ola do-c-torr

- Si, señor,sientese, en que puedo ayudarlo?

- Quie-e-ro ddee-j-j-ar de s-er tata-ta...

- Si señor, ya lo entiendo. Por favor,cuenteme como es un dia rutinario de su vida.

- Bu-eno, la ver-da-d que me le-van-to a la ma-ñana y ha-go el a-mor c-on mi mu-jer, al me-diod-ia con mi sec-ret-aria, a la tar-de c-con mi am-ante, y a la no-ch-e de nue-vo con mmi mmujjjer.

- Bueno señor, desvistase que lo voy a revisar...

- Pero,señor! Usted tiene tres huevos! Aqui esta su problema! Le voy a tener que operar y extraer el que esta de mas, con lo que su problema quedara solucionado definitivamente.

Varios dias despues el tipo vuelve al consultorio:

- Hola doctor! Mire: estoy curado! Mire que bien que hablo, que fluido! Pero no sabe como disminuyo mi vida sexual... Asi que quisiera que me devuelvame mi huevo!

- E-e-eso nno sser-a po-po-sibb-le

Publicado

Aqui va un chistes de medicos

Esto es un hombre que va a la consulta del médico:

El doctor le pregunta al paciente:

-¿Cómo está amigo?

-Mal, doctor. Ni siquiera tengo ganas de hacer lo que usted me prohibió.

Otro otro!

En el cementerio están enterrando a un hombre:

-¡Marí­aaaa! ¡Que no estoy muertoooo!

-calla, Cállate!, hombre, que quieres saber tú más que el doctor, y no puede ser................jajajajja para que te fies de las mujeres

Publicado

En una feria de ganado se observa a un grupo de personas alrededor de un gitano que tiene atado a un burro del que cuelga el siguiente cartel

¡¡¡QUIEN HAGA REIR AL BURRO SE LLEVARA 1000€!!!

La gente se amontonaba haciendo tonterias e intentando sacar una sonrisa del burro, pero este ni se inmutaba.

Entonces se acerca un tí­o y le dice al gitano:

- Yo puedo hacer reir al burro, pero me tienes que dejar un momento a solas con el para decirle algo al oido.

El gitano separó a la gente y el hombre se acercó al burro susurrándole algo.

Al momento el burro empezó a reirse a carcajadas y el gitano se quedó sorprendido y sin los 1000€

Al dí­a siguiente el mismo tí­o vuelve a pasar por la feria y ve otra vez al gitano con el burro, pero ahora con un cartel que decí­a:

¡¡¡ QUIEN HAGA LLORAR AL BURRO SE LLEVARA 1000€!!!

dE NUEVO SE ACERCA AL GITANO Y LE DICE:

- Yo puedo hacer llorar al burro pero me tiene que dejar que me acerque a el para decirle algo al oido.

El gitano muy mosqueado vuelve a retirar a la gente y el hombre se acerca al burro. Al momento el burro se pone a llorar desconsoladamente y el gitano le vuelve a pagar los 1000€, pero cuando se marchaba le pregunta que como era posible que hubiera hecho reir y llorar al burro, a lo que el hombre le contesta:

- Ayer, cuando tení­a que hacer reir al burro, le dije que tení­a mi pol... más grande que él.

El gitano le pregunta:

- ¿Y que le has dicho hoy para que llore?

- Hoy no le he dicho nada, simplemente se la enseñé

Publicado

Una mujer le pregunta a otra: "Oye, ¿tú qué le pedirí­as a los Reyes Magos?"

Y la otra le responde: "¿Yo? Cincuenta euros, como a todos."

Publicado

Dos camioneros de Lepe van de Lepe a Barcelona y ven a una mujer joven haciendo autostop....paran y le ofrecen llevarla a cambio de un revolcon en la parte de atras...a lo que la chica accede con la condicion de que usen preservativo....pasada una semana de la "aventurilla" le dice uno al otro:

-Oye tio....¿a ti realmente te importa que esa chica se quede embarazada?

-Pues mira tio sinceramente...no creo que volvamos a verla en la vida....que quieres que te diga...(responde el otro)

-¡¡Pues yo me voy a quitar la goma esta ya!!!no??

Publicado

jajajajjaja muy bueno ahi va otro bueno veras al final como la caga el tio.. Le están haciendo una entrevista de trabajo a un tipo.

- Bueno, su curriculum es sorprendente. Aquí­ pone que usted habla inglés.

- Sí­, claro, fui a un colegio bilingí¼e...

- Y también domina el francés.

- Sí­, es que mi madre es francesa...

- Y habla perfectamente alemán.

- Sí­, es que mi padre nació en Munich.

- Y también conoce el italiano...

- Bueno, es que tuve una novia que viví­a en Roma...

- Y también el portugués.

- Bueno, es que en mi anterior trabajo me destacaron a Lisboa.

- Muy bien, muy bien, queda usted contratado. Sólo una curiosidad: conociendo tantas lenguas diferentes... ¿Usted en qué piensa?

-¿Yo? En follar, como todo el mundo.

Publicado

Un guiri se encuentra de vacaciones en verano en una playa de Huelva y está encantado con la gracia con la que hablan los andaluces.

Se dirige a uno y le dice con un marcado acento inglés (poneros en situación):

- Amigo que gracia tienen ustedes, que forma de decir piropos a las mujeres, ¿me podrí­a enseñar?

El colega le dice que es muy sencillo y en eso pasa una mujer estupenda y le dice:

¡¡¡ VIVA LA MADRE QUE TE PARIO!!!

El guiri, muy contento con las enseñanzas, y después del rato que llevaba por la playa, con todo el cuerpo quemado por el sol, ve pasar a una chavala despampanante le dice con el mismo acento inglés:

¡¡¡ A TI TE PARIO UNA MADRE!!!

A lo que la chavala le responde:

¡¡¡ Y A TI TE PARIO UNA GAMBA, PEAZO CABRON!!!

Publicado
:blink: sembraaaaaoooo
Publicado

jajajaja estas sembrado jomar La extranjera que esta viendo una corrida de toros y le pregunta a un gitano que esta al lado:

-Por favor, poder decirme como llamarse en español señor que luchar con toro?

-Pero quilla!, eze e el torero, ze llama torero! y no lucha con el toro, torea! y dejame en paz que ezta e la mejo corria de la tempora, que esta el Curro Romero y el Cordobes.

Al cabo de un rato:

-Perdone señor, pero que ser la sabana que llevar el luchador de toros?

-Pero quilla! Te he dicho que ze llamaba torero, y ezo no e una zabana, ezo e la muleta y zirve pa torea.

Al cabo de otro rato:

-Perdone señor, y que ser el pincho que llevar el toreador debajo de sabana, digo muleta.

-Ezo no e un pincho, e la espada... y dejame en paz que quiero ver la corria.

(Se alarga el chiste y el gitano esta ya hasta las pelotas de la guiri)

-Perdone señor...

-Queeeee hija?

-Como llamarse el vestido que llevar torero?

-Eezo no e un vestio, e el traje de luce.

-Y el bulto que llevar torero en traje de luces en la ingle?

-Ezo e para las pilas.

Publicado

lLos pasajeros de un avión están instalados en sus asientos y esperan a los pilotos para el despegue.

En ese momento, dos hombres entran en el avión, con uniforme de piloto: llevan gafas negras. Uno de ellos va acompañado de un perro lazarillo y el otro va abriéndose camino ayudado de un bastón blanco. Entran en la cabina de pilotaje y cierran la puerta. Algunos pasajeros se rí­en nerviosamente y todos se miran con una expresión entre sorpresa, miedo y escepticismo.

Un momento después, se encienden los motores y el avión empieza a tomar velocidad en la pista. Va cada vez mas deprisa y parece no despegar nunca. Los pasajeros miran por las ventanillas y se dan cuenta que el avión se dirige directamente hacia el lago que se encuentra al final de la pista. El avión va ahora muy rápido sobre la pista, cada vez mas cerca del lago, y varios viajeros empiezan a pensar que nunca despegarán y que el avión va a acabar en el lago. Los gritos de los pasajeros asustados llenan entonces el avión, pero justo en este momento, el avión despega lentamente, sin ningún problema.

Los pasajeros empiezan a recuperar la calma, se rí­en, sintiéndose estúpidos de haberse asustado tanto. En unos minutos, el incidente esta olvidado. En la cabina de pilotaje, el piloto toca el panel de instrumentos, encuentra el botón del piloto automático y lo pone en funcionamiento.

Entonces dice al copiloto:

- ¿Sabes lo que me asusta?

- No, dice el otro.

- Algún dí­a, van a gritar demasiado tarde y va a ser cuando la caguemos todos. Este es el ultimo para que los demas escriban algo.......

Publicado

Un tí­o que va al médico preocupado por tener sus partes de color naranja chillón.

El médico le hace distintas pruebas y no observa nada anormal, por lo que decide preguntarle que es lo que hace en un dí­a normal para ver si encuentra alguna relación.

- Pues verá usted doctor, yo me levanto a las siete de la mañana, voy al baño para el aseo diario, desayuno algo suave y me dirijo al trabajo. Luego, al mediodí­a como con los compañeros junto a la oficina y vuelvo al trabajo hasta las 7 de la tarde, tomamos algunas copas y voy al supermercado para hacer la compra semanal. Cuando llego a casa preparo la cena, me pongo una pelí­cula porno y me como un paquete de gusanitos.....

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    • Caos total. Son unos ineptos,como la aplicación ella misma y los  que la han creado.
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